Both Eyes Open
by Artemis Lives
Summary: It's the first time Remus is seeing Sirius after the Shrieking Shack incident. Over a glass of wine, they catch up on things that happened, and somethings they wish never did...


Both Eyes Open

AN: Sorry, folks, this one's not really a slash fic, as I wrote it long before 'Rainy Day', back when I still believed Remus and Sirius were just 'good friends' ;). But this one explores the more intimate friendship side of their relationship. I suppose there's some slash, but only in very, very vague amounts- you gotta be pretty quick to catch it;). Anyways, keep the reviews coming, they're great!

-Artemis

_Sirius loved Chardonnay_, Remus remembered, as he carefully poured the red alcohol into two crystal glasses. Screwing the cork back in the top, he gazed out the window, scanning the Scottish countryside surrounding his home for any sign of a familiar black dog.

It was almost mid-July of '93 now, but Remus still didn't feel completely comfortable inviting Sirius for dinner. He was still on the run from the Ministry, and it didn't look like the Ministry was going to change its mind quickly about what really happened. Still, Sirius had convinced Remus (by secret owl) that they needed to talk; Remus hardly dared argue.

Now, as he nervously paced his kitchen, he was beginning to think that something was wrong, as nearly twenty minutes had already passed since Sirius had been expected. But Remus didn't have to wait for much longer, for there was a scratching at the door that immediately calmed his nerves. Going to the door, Remus opened it, and a felt a pawing at his leg. He looked down, and saw the black dog he'd been expecting, with the familiar blue eyes. The dog had a bag in its mouth, and it nudged Remus's leg with it, a sign for him to take it. As Remus bent down and took the bag from the dog's jaws, it barked and wagged its tail excitedly.

Remus laughed openly for the first time in weeks, and scratched behind the dog's ears. "It's nice to see you too, Sirius."

Turning away from the dog and placing the bag on the kitchen table, Remus looked back to see a full-grown man standing in the spot where the black dog had just been. "Moony, you look awful!"

Remus grinned at the usage of his old nickname and taking a look at Sirius's own rather disheveled appearance, replied, "Well, you're no Gilderoy Lockhart either, Padfoot!"

Sirius pretended to look offended, but that look was quickly erased when Remus pulled him into a warm embrace, the first they had shared after the night in the Shrieking Shack.

Sirius grinned as they pulled away and took a seat at the kitchen table. "Nice place you've got here, Remus," Sirius commented, glancing around at Remus's small but cosy cottage.

Remus shrugged casually. "It's alright, I suppose. Not too extravagant, but far enough from the house..." He trailed off, but shook his head slightly, mind suddenly filled with images of the house where he grew up, where he was bitten...Remus shook himself mentally then handed one of the wine-filled glasses to Sirius.

Sirius nodded his head understandingly then chuckled slightly as he took the glass. "Don't worry, I know what you mean."

They sat in silence for a few moments, sipping their wine every now and then. Sirius however was looking at Remus the entire time, unable to drag his eyes away from his careworn face, soft lines caressing his forehead, his greying hair, and tired amber eyes. It saddened Sirius to see his best friend in such a state- but was he his best friend anymore? After all, it had been quite a few years since they saw each other last, and when they did, they hadn't exactly parted on friendly terms. Sirius's insides wrenched with guilt as he remembered their last conversation.

"_So that's it, is it? You've been avoiding me because you think I'm the spy?"_

_Sirius took no notice of the dangerous inflections in Remus's suddenly hard tone. "What else am I supposed to think? Going off at unearthly hours of the night, distancing yourself from everyone- I barely see you anymore!"_

"_I have my own reasons for not being around people," Remus snarled, "not that I'd expect _you_ to understand. It's not like you ever minded your own business in the first place."_

_Sirius looked like he'd been slapped. "So you _are_ the spy then," he said after a long pause. "I should have known, you and your damned mysterious ways, being a Dark-"_

_He cut off abruptly, but it was too late, Remus had caught the implications. Sirius had been about to say "Dark creature" and Remus knew it. Sirius had touched a nerve, the weakest and most sensitive one Remus had, and he looked it. Ever since he, Sirius; James and Peter had discovered Remus's lycanthropy, they had been careful to avoid the subject around him. Now though, Sirius didn't care. But it didn't stop his heart from leaping to his throat. _

_The look on Remus's face was one of unmistakable hurt and shame, and it looked like his eyes were overly bright but the next moment a shadow of darkness had passed over his face, and he said in the coldest of tones, "I want you out of here."_

_Sirius looked at Remus hard in the face, as though daring him to come out and admit he was the spy. But he didn't. There was no trace of guilt nor surreptitiousness in his eyes, just...pain. But Sirius didn't care. He knew it, Remus _had_ to be the one- there was no one else._

"_Fine," Sirius spat, turning sharply on his heel and marching to the door. "I'm watching you, Lupin," he snarled just before he reached the door. _

"_Keep both eyes open this time then," Remus replied, voice still devoid of emotion. His face was blank, still so even as the door slammed. _

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut hard, as though trying to permanently block out the memories. When he opened them again, Remus's kind face was looking at him concernedly. "Are you alright?" he asked.

Forcing a smile, Sirius nodded. "Of course," he replied, almost too cheerfully.

Remus seemed to sense this, but did not pursue the matter.

More moments of silence passed before someone finally spoke; it was Sirius. "I came to check on you that night, you know."

Remus looked up sharply. "What?" he asked, though he knew what Sirius was talking about.

Sirius was looking at the table. "I did. Like I said in the Shrieking Shack, I knew something was wrong, so I went to check on you. Because I- because I suspected you, I went to check on you first."

He looked up uncertainly at Remus, but Remus simply wore a curious expression. "You were asleep when I came in. You were lying on the couch, on your side, not on your back like you usually do." Sirius smiled tenderly as he remembered...

_He watched as the other boy slept, curled up peacefully, knees drawn up to his chest. _He looks like an angel_, Sirius remembered thinking to himself, fondly eyeing the light brown hair that fell over Remus's face that was occasionally tickling his nose. _No!_ he warned himself sternly_, this isn't right, he's the- _But suddenly, Sirius realised that Remus was clutching something, something that looked vaguely familiar..._

_Heart beating slightly faster, he took a step forward, and saw what it was. It was the red and gold Gryffindor scarf Sirius had given him for Christmas the very first year they were together at Hogwarts. Remus had worn this scarf whenever and wherever he could, Sirius recalled. He even had given it a place on his 'Elitist Shelf' on his bookcase, along with his very first Chocolate Frog card, his favourite book entitled, '_The Complete Sherlock Holmes',_ among many other things Remus considered special in his life. Near the bottom of the scarf in black stitching was written _Marauders forever! MWPP; _the first P was circled, but not by stitching... _

_It was then that Sirius suddenly realised the mistake he had made. Breath hitched in his throat and taking one last swift glance at Remus's sleeping form, Sirius bolted out the door, to Peter's house..._

Remus was still after hearing Sirius's account. "I suppose I really must have been asleep," he began, his voice breaking slightly. "I didn't hear you come in."

Sirius didn't know what to say. "Remus," he said at last, reaching across the table for Remus's slightly trembling hands, "I really am sorry. For everything. For even _considering_ the remote possibility that you might be the spy-"

"It doesn't matter now," Remus said, squeezing Sirius's thin hands reassuringly, "it doesn't matter anymore. I wasn't the spy, and neither were you. You're innocent, and that's all that matters."

Sirius marveled at Remus's equanimity, but was not surprised. That was Remus, the practical, dependable, and trustworthy one, and Sirius thought himself a fool for believing otherwise.

Rather than allowing themselves to be swallowed up by old and tragic memories, he put on a bright smile and abruptly changed the subject, letting go of Remus's hands. "So, what've you been up to Remus?"

Remus looked grateful for the change of subject, so he told him, how a month after the Potter's death, he had moved to France and had taken up the job of teaching in a Muggle school ("What did you teach, sex education?" Sirius had sniggered, only to receive a stern, nonetheless amused look from Remus).

"Why a Muggle school though?" Sirius inquired, sipping his wine.

Remus half-shrugged. "I suppose I just wanted to escape from the wizarding world for awhile, that's all. I actually rather enjoyed it, Muggles are far more intelligent than the wizarding community makes them out to be. Nine and ten-year-olds I taught, very intellectual bunch." He smiled, reminiscent of his teaching days. "I remember one of them, a particularly bright boy, asked me one day why I absent for a few days every month. Before I could answer, he asked 'Is it because you're a werewolf?' _Est-il parce que tu es un loup-garou_, in French."

Sirius looked amused. "My, my, he certainly is a bright one. Much more than I was at that age, and that is saying something."

Remus's eyes twinkled. "Well you obviously haven't lost your self-esteem," he commented.

Laughing, Sirius said, "Indeed. They can take away all else, but I'll be damned if they take my ego, my one true friend. But anyways, what was it like teaching at Hogwarts?"

Regaining his teacher's fervour, Remus went on quite a bit about teaching. It had after all been a long dream of his to teach, in spite of his lycanthropy. When he came to talking about the teachers and Snape, Sirius growled. "I see he hasn't changed. Hook-nosed old Snivellus, bet he tried to get you off the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, did he?"

Remus nodded. "Apparently. So Harry informed me anyways."

Sirius's eyes lit up at the mention of Harry's name. "How is he, Remus? Is he just like James?"

"In more ways than one," Remus said fondly. "He enjoys challenge, not too different from James. He came to me himself wanting to learn the Patronus, you know. It was what saved you both by the lake."

Sirius whistled through his teeth, looking impressed and gratified. "He's saved my life twice now, he has. I practically owe my life twice to him."

Remus nodded, picking up his wine. "He, along with many other students, was quite upset when I resigned."

Sirius chuckled and picked up his own glass. "Honestly, Remus, I'll _never_ figure out why you decided to sack being a teacher."

Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead in a soothing manner. "You know very well why I quit, Sirius. It was the same reason I was even hesitant to come to Hogwarts as student."

Playfully raising an eyebrow, Sirius grinned at his friend. "Because you missed making good ol' mischief?"

Remus did not smile. "That was hardly the reason, Sirius, and I think you know damn well why I was tentative about going to Hogwarts," he replied dryly.

Sirius's grin faded, and he looked down at his hands, something he always did when he was uncomfortable. "Yes, I know, but Dumbledore gave you two chances, and you didn't blow either of them!"

An abrasive laugh escaped Remus's throat. "Right! Sirius, I hardly consider turning into a flesh-eating monster, attempting to rip open the throats of three students and my _best friend_ not being something catastrophic!"

"Yes, well, that didn't happen!" Sirius exclaimed, standing up, his tone becoming edgier. "And you _know_ when I'm in Animagus form, I can match you easily."

Remus was silent for a moment, and Sirius thought he was going to explode. But that wasn't the case- Remus never exploded. He always the composed one, the mild and pleasant one, who could be bent but never broken. Sirius had always admired him for this quality, especially in times when he found it difficult to control himself. When Remus was angry or upset, he always spoke in the same tone as he normally did, but there appeared a cold fury behind it that could weaken one's knees and cause them to flinch at the very sound of it- it was the same instance now.

"Don't you see Sirius?" he finally asked. "It doesn't matter if you can match me, it doesn't mean that we're both going to walk away perfectly unharmed, _quite_ the contrary!" Remus' voice was steadily rising, and he stood up now to face Sirius, at eye-level. "You see, it takes these simple mistakes that makes everything else go wrong! Peter escaped, your name never got cleared..."

Sirius threw his hands up in the air then slammed them down on the table, glaring at Remus. "Oh, so now you're blaming yourself for _that_! Get a grip of yourself, Remus, stop _blaming_ yourself for everything, for God's sake!"

"I'm not blaming myself for _everything_!" Remus snapped. "Just for the things that count..." He trailed off, but when he saw Sirius was going to retort, cut in with, "Just say it to yourself, Sirius. If you can honestly say to yourself that none of the events in the Shrieking Shack could have been a result of my actions, then I'll be satisfied."

Remus waited, but Sirius had looked away. Finally he looked back at Remus, and there was something wrong with the look he was giving him. "Alright Remus, how about this? Yes. It IS your fault that Peter escaped, it IS your fault that I'm still on the run. Oh, but guess what? How's this for an unexpected turn? It's also MY fault!"

Remus' look had turned from disgust into one of confusion. "YOUR fault? How?"

Sirius shrugged in what he thought was a nonchalant manner but his shoulders shook with vehemence. "Well, if I hadn't shown up on the full moon night, and hadn't pulled Harry, Ron, and Hermione into the Whomping Willow, you wouldn't have to have gone down there and explain to Harry _why his parents died_!"

Remus had been livid through all of this but at the mention of Harry's name, he pointed an accusing finger at Sirius. "Don't you dare bring Harry into this!"

"Oh, but why ever not, Remus?" Sirius asked innocently, although his face was contorted with fury. "It's as much _his_ fault as it is mine, hell, even yours!"

Remus simply shook his head, his pointed finger shaking like mad. "N-no, it's not..." Suddenly, as if breaking out a reverie, Remus lowered his hand, and looked at Sirius with a look he had never seen before, and it unnerved him, to say the least. "This is the same reason that I was talking about, Sirius," he responded finally, in a voice that Sirius did not like at all. "This is the _same bloody reason_ why I never wanted to go to Hogwarts, both times, and it's the same reason why I should have NEVER GONE AT ALL!!" All the while Remus had been speaking, his voice had been rising again, and by the last words, he had ended on a scream; Remus never screamed.

Sirius just stood there, rooted to the spot, but rocked to the core. He was completely lost for words, as he had just heard Remus say the words he had never wanted to hear in his life"So that's how you feel, is it?"

"What?" Remus snapped.

"You regret everything that happened at Hogwarts? What we had?" Sirius' voice was shaking, as he looked at Remus for some kind of reaction. "You regret becoming a Marauder? Having company on your full moon nights? Having the three best friends you ever had?" Sirius' voice was getting softer but was increasing with venom as he leaned across the table to look Remus directly in the eye. "Having _me_ for a best friend?"

Remus couldn't look Sirius in the eye anymore. He dropped his gaze and struggled to find the right words to say, but couldn't. "Sirius....I-I-"

Sirius lifted a hand and nodded knowingly. "So that's how you feel." He bit his lip and looked back up at Remus, who was looking back at him, amber eyes pleading.

He nodded again, and gathered his coat from the back of his chair. "Fine. You've said what you had to say, I've done the same. Goodnight Remus."

With that, Sirius headed to the doorway, but not before Remus could rush in front of him and block his way. "Sirius, please don't leave, you're making a mistake," he said steadily, but with a hint of beseeching in his voice.

Sirius glared at the other man dangerously. "Oh, am I?" he asked in a patronizing tone. "Well, get out of my way Remus, before I make another one."

Remus did not miss the implications in his words, but he did not move either. "Sirius-"

But before he could finish, Sirius had reacted so quickly, it was almost as if it didn't happen- but it did.

Sirius's clenched fist had made contact with the side of Remus' face, forcing him backwards. Remus was now backed up against the kitchen table, head down and hand on his quickly swelling jaw, but eyes on a shaking Sirius.

It was as if Sirius hadn't even realised what he had done. His dark eyes were wide, his fist still raised in the air, his mouth hanging slightly open like a puppet's. "R-Remus, I'm-...I..." he stuttered stupidly, stumbling forwards towards Remus, but the look in the werewolf's eyes stopped him dead in his tracks.

Remus's usually warm ochre eyes were hard, the hardest Sirius had ever seen them. They didn't appear to hold any sort of feeling at all, only holding an intense gaze with Sirius's own eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead of screaming himself hoarse as one might have been expected, he merely replied in a flat tone that seemed to hold so much suppressed emotion but yet none at all: "Get out."

Sirius stood frozen for a moment and it looked like he was going to rush forward towards Remus, but with those two words, a rush of anger flooded back to him and his lip curled back in a sneer before spitting out, "I'm already gone," and stalked through the door, making sure to slam it behind him.

Remus was breathing heavily as he leaned against the table, heart pounding and blood rushing fast. After staring for a few more moments at the screen door that was banging uselessly off the door hinge after Sirius had slammed it so hard, he eased himself carefully into a chair, knuckles white as he gripped the table.

He wasn't exactly sure what he was feeling at the moment; some sort of emotion had blocked off any real thinking he could do, except for the slight throbbing on the side of his face. Not even bothering to fetch some ice for the swelling, Remus simply sat there, staring ahead but seeing nothing. It was as if a Dementor had passed through the room, and taken not only the good thoughts from his mind but everything else along with it.

But finally, after what seemed like an eternity, his dry lips spoke the words his mind had been screaming at him all the while: "Lupin, you fool."

The enormous black dog was standing on its hind legs, paws on the windowsill, looking into the small cottage at the man sitting at the kitchen table, head and arms resting on it, apparently in a deep slumber. The side of the man's face that was visible was shaded an unpleasant purple colour, an ugly reminder of the incident of the night before.

The dog turned its head turned away, and when it looked up again, it had returned to human form. Sirius stood up from his crouched position and walked slowly over to the door, but hesitated for a moment. He was scared to death to knock, afraid of the man on the other side. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if Remus turned him away, not now when Sirius needed him most. The look on Remus's face last night after he'd struck him was still vivid in Sirius's face, however vainly he tried to erase it. It was the third time Sirius had seen that look; the others were the morning after the Prank, and the night he'd accused him of being Voldemort's spy. He'd hurt Remus then, and he did so again last night, not only physically. How could he expect Remus to forgive him again this time? At least he had to try. Taking a deep breath, he raised a quivering hand and knocked.

Remus's head jerked up sharply at the sound of a knock on the door. He looked around unfocusedly and the clock on the wall, and realised that he'd slept there the whole night. Suddenly aware of a slight throbbing on the side of his cheek, Remus raised a hand to his cheek, and muscles tensed slightly when he remembered the events of the previous night. Now he was all too conscious of who the knock on the door might belong to, and before he could stop himself, he was striding over to it.

Sirius stood there, a hesitant and uncertain expression on his face. The two men locked gazes however uncomfortable as it was. At last Sirius found the courage to speak. "Remus," he began, voice quivering, "I-"

But he never finished, because the next thing he knew, Remus had stepped forward and thrown his arms around Sirius so swiftly and fiercely, Sirius was almost knocked off his feet. He was stunned for a moment, but then he realised what was happening- Remus was _hugging_ him. A wave of reprieve and exhilaration washed over him so fast that he could have floated a foot or two off the ground, but he found perfect contentment there in Remus's arms, embracing him tightly back, and in doing so, pouring out all of his regret, sympathy, and love for this incredible man.

At last they parted and looked each other in the eyes. Both pairs, honey-amber ones and deep blue ones, were shining with remorse and tenderness, but they spoke no words. Instead, Remus raised his head slightly and placed his lips firmly but gently on Sirius's forehead, and gave him a warm and tender smile, the one Sirius so fondly remembered from their Hogwarts days.

He wanted to say something still, but the look in Remus's eyes said it all. No words were needed. This time, both eyes were open.

_FIN_


End file.
